With the Advaita number 'so lost' playing and sreeya ghosal broken promises in the background right now, No other song could better describe my situation right now... the vacuous stare at the screen as I type this post out... with memories, worries, sadness, disillusion all running amok in my head... An abyss opens out to me... Don't know what to feel... Don't know if this is what I'd wanted... whether anythings worth it at all... All that I am striving to achieve... Hoping to have in my life... is it worth the peace of my mind that I am loosing right now... and how much more ironical can my life be... Side by side as I write the profile for my dept for the companies to be coming in for placement in our college... I am the last person to be feeling for my branch at all... Somehow I've never come to make much of my engineering degree at all... I study for merely perfunctory reasons and I guess my marks are a reflection of the same.. yup dismal performance is so conspicuous by its presence... Or probably my brains been reduced to a sieve which fails me every time... so much for my hubris... makes me laugh at myself... From the sepia tinged memories of pride to the grime reality of being an absolute nobody... whose so bloody incapable of anything... And the person I'd hoped to hear me out, stand by me appears so far away... So distant... Irony hits you hard you realise... Accepting my inadequacies is becoming a herculean task... adjusting my dreams to their limitations, breaks me... Why is this happening to me? Where did I go so horribly wrong? where is the silver lining? The emptiness engulfs me... when is this this below average existence end? Have I run after all the wrong things in my life? Have I forgotten myself, forgotten valueing myself? Why am I looking for excuses... When will I rise above this all... will I ever?? Its a long road ahead... And I hope the blurry vision will eventually clear out... I hope the blues will fade out to a xanthous sky... I hope to see my nescience finally becoming a thing of the past... and I finally achieving what I truely deserve... I wait... I wait for love.. I wait for happiness... I wait for freedom...
so finally my god forsaken exams result are out... I guess I fared just about ok...but not ok. As I had kept my expectation low thatway I hadn’t had much pain or shock after hearing great news.. And i guess I'd let my results do the talking whenever they come in.oho oki leave it now... Life's been decent enough.before this result came out...my eventful and beautiful third year will be comin to an end..after this sem.. A heart warming year... A year of many first's... And i hope life continues on this note... But sometimes life puts me in such quandaries... my inability to tell things to people on their face to avoid uncomfortable situations gets to me... for once i want to be real honest with people and tell them this is what I don't like in them... I don't like them commenting on my life, on the way I was, on the way I look... On how I work... I hate it when people pick on raw wounds, pick on my ego, pick on things way too personal for me... I don't like it... Probably you people don't intend to hurt me but somewhere down it pinches me... Some things don't go down well with me... They just don't so spare me... :)
ahhh so well, the feeling of being mediore just seems to be resounding back again and again.. The pre placement talk gives me the feeling of being from outter space, with the loud talk on some gibberish computer language and how my fellow batchmates have figured things out so well in their lives and ofcourse their pompous asses just fart their way through the ramble.
Apart from all of the material aspect to being all to myself, I'd like to fend all for myself. Learning to live in a new city, meeting new people who are not even remotely related to my past. I'd want a new beginning starting from scratch. From finding my own accommodation, to locating the local kirana store, to finding a good book store or/and library and a cafe. And I guess I'd not want any men in my life then, at least nobody I could reach out to immediately, I'd want to deal with my own upheavals, my own happiness, cross roads on my own without this instinctive grab for an arm (my hand does have a mind of his own), ask my friends.
So lets come to reality now..well Life has not been smooth for me. will that what life it is for every one.and its all about I have one chance to repay back my last sem hopeless performance is to perform in this sem..will this will make me some relief & I’m desperate time to perform..its high time now. Not taking stress not taking pain and not taking some much of negative from this sem.. I need to work hard simplest thing I can do than to think about my future..!
Ps: stop thinkin much about this shit shut up and start doing work out.. work harder learn from the mistake .that what I have to do..& without copying anyone..i have to bother about my life and what I want to do than to follow certain person..anyways I hope I come out strong and mostly be positive to perform be < optimistic > .!!
Till then ta ta..Cyaa..
No comments:
Post a Comment