My dumb skull low confidences life :-)

Just can't find proper title to this post so added this ;)

With nothing to do in the Night session and I don’t find any sleep  trying lamest of tricks..

To be in bed closing my eyes but unable to feel sleepy to thought be share some stuffs who knows after some days i won't be able post if any busy schedules comes life is uncertain..anyways. hey thanks friends for lot of appreciation in my last post..

Just want to write some stuff which were Printing in my dumb skull rite now some of the stories about my reclusive life dumb low confidence life well every body would have gone through the same phase of life something what we want to do we can't so why we can't are we nervous the stage fear ?okk but for what.. same stories also happened with  me :-) and we all knows how to gain it again and be confident with a char mastic smiles :-)

Here We goo..Things have happened in the last couple of  months, which have in a way made me realise how vocal chord deprived I’ve become…And increasingly so… I’m realizing how I no longer seek company rather shun away from any kind of interaction..Probably its not self ostracization as I’m putting it to be..its just my reticence…I’m really bad conversationalist (do I see somebody smiling…) especially on the phone, most of my conversations don’t go beyond 10 minutes or so… Lucky for the person whose calling me…Just once did it get stretched to half an hour or so…that too when I was talking to this friend of mine on the sorry state of affairs of the Indian primary education system, reservations et al… For on my part I never really call people up… and I know most of friends hold grudges against me for the same... why I don’t call them through phone..my school friends especially..I know its irksome, but my political correctness or rather my indifference more than saves me...

To tell you the truth I think I've just got too used to writing that I've forgotten the real thing.. and I'm very bad at making myself heard, God Knows how I save myself during the vivas...its worse when I want to talk on things close to my heart..but of course nobody is saved any of diatribe when it comes to issues of respecting women, an egalitarian society being still an illusion, capital punishment, women enpowerment etc etc..you are getting the flow I guess But even that was there back in school, I still have'nt found that kind of an audience in college so to say... ALso one of the major reasons for this kind of a behaviour is low self confidence. sometimes even self-defloration...what is the reason behind such a sad case of personality disorder is an incident that happened in my 8th standard wherein I screwed up my ass while reading the news headlines for morning session and comments me as if I’m doing commentary  and a some  Debating competition in my school time. Where I kept pronouncing a  particular word wrong (true to my oriya roots)...That just kept on adding to the nervous breakdown I was already anchoring for myself... and then a tick off from my class teacher  and my house lead head boy of my batch who from that day on never made an effort to make it easy for me to be part of the class, constantly leaving me out of everything related to Hindi..that kinda left an indellible imprint on me..my oh god my self confidence was never the same ever again... It was a downfall like nothing else, from being a decent enough public speaker in junior school to a loser in senior. people say public memory is short, but what about my memory??while after schools when I join university  I did recuperate after that, doing well in academics decent enough in debating ,quizzing  got some of appreciation and awarded too  speaking to my level best “trying my best “ but as I said I wasn’t at my 100% my oratory skills were never the same ever again. And that is why I love my school mates so much, they've stood by me helping me in getting back my self worth, their constant appreciation..that it was not the end of the world ..that there was so much more to me... and my teachers who later came along, especially my principal sir my maths teacher  and english teachers  kanta mam from childhood ,rita mam, shrabani ma'am and my  computer  teacher  niranjan sir ,my games teacher  to our hindi mam from class 3th to my 10th standard .. They've had so much of love for me and their belief in my potential... God knows where I'd be without them... I miss them. But I miss one man the way  he tells me  the he speaks  out  and and boast up confidences sometimes I just get sacred of him with his thundering tone  not only me its my batch most of my mates fav. teacher  well he is in RIP now never the less his memories and his stunned speech sometimes reflects on my ears . great  samal sir.!

So anyways getting on with it... You know I could actually start on of those agony aunt sessions in the newspapers..even i astound myself at my profoundness... but that too comes out only when I'm on those chat sessions with my friends.. I guess after that incident I've never properly recovered my voice..lost that lil voice inside me too... And ofcourse I suffer from a different kind of dyslexia so to say, where in I have all those wonderfully intellectual sentences reeling inside my head but all that comes out is nothing less than puke...Its in the rarest of rare occasions that i actually sound impressive rather like a pseudo intellectual..as its been an 2 yrs since actually sound impressive trying to be confident happy with the recents PPT sessions with mock Pi and talk about of myself ,group discussion things just started coming in the way now J I have this side to myself which constantly tries to emulate such an image.. I guess i just want to sound like a know-it-all...I want to know my international politics (from the castros to the Mugabes to the Ang Sang Suu kyi), my books (from the motorcycle diaries to twilight in Delhi..last mughal etc), my movies ( from Humphrey Bogart to Satyajit ray..to Shyam Benegal to Ingram Bergman) to Indian economics..not to forget music and history too...but the sad part is I'm no where near any of this.. infact all of the above is just names dropping... Ignorance continues to be scandalous...

Well thoda zyada hoo gaya I know  I know J..never the less just had dreams  to be as confident  and not be declared as dumbskull..and doormate  to anyone.

And I continue to while away time... when I should be spending more time reading and talking...balderdashing is more like it... and things are actually improving, people are coming forward to help my case..the spirit of altruism still exists...

PS: it’s not such a bad world after all :)

Confidence it’s the simple word what speaks from the eyes of the people and smile speaks its only required in this world to tackle to shackle  any obstacle’s  in life Hope God provides us such confidences in any adverse situation of our life ki Nai friends sahi  hai na ..and All we  ppl’s have our nervous time but we have it come up and battle this world..WE All  have that in ourselves just we have to see it :-)

My short life line.

Whenever people with a little bit of knowledge in palmistry, look down at my dainty hands with eyes all screwed up in concentration, all they manage to comprehend looking at the small and big criss-crosses on my palm, is that i have a very short life line and that my life would be fraught with mishaps and problems, not like i couldn't make that out on my own. But as a kid, such sooth saying on behalf on my friends always scared me, and I could always find my lil heart pounding at such prognosis, especially when it came with a smirk and sometimes with sympathy, as if i was to pop of the surface the very next moment. It always scared me to think of the proposition that I'd die early, without having lived the usual life. A life where I'd be earning, going with shopping sprees with ma, buying her sarees, making Papa proud, seeing my cousin lil sister get married etc.

To think that one fine day while crossing the road I'd have a car or a bus or a truck *scared* bash against my body, leaving my body in smitherins, barely recognizable, mama papa inconsolable or probably a scab growing into a huge gangrene of sorts, infecting my blood, killing me slowly, with me looking into my imminent death, crying silent tears into my pillow everynight, braving a smile everytime my friends visited, with syringes piercing into my body. As a kid with all the thinking that I did, I'd turned into a sadistic personality who derived pleasure from her own wretchedness, covering down at the rebukes by teachers, who i dont know why deried pleasure at calling me a numbskull, probably if not directly but subtly hinting it.

As to the crisscrosses on my pudgy palm, i dont know whether they hint at my luckless life (luck i know is relative). A life where I wished i'd spent more of my formative years with Ma, doing the mental maths problems she gave me, listening to AIR or watching 'chutti-chutti' on doordarshan, on our black white philips television set, instead of the humungous number of maid servants i spent my childhood with. my colloquial oriya accent is to their credit, where in I was made a guinea pig to their foray into cooking.. How I longed to cuddle up in ma's lap when I got back, instead of watching scooby doo while i had lunch. to come all bright eyed home to tell her i had scored the highest in maths.

Those days are long gone, now that I've already lived twenty years of my life, and with maturity finally having seeped in, that this was how it was always meant to be and that a short and sweet life is all that mattered, where you did your part inspite of the unfairness doled out to you, while keeping your inherent goodness intact.

ps: Just refreshing my old stories ,warming up my writing skills.. :-)

DREAM Being Independent

finally back to bloggin ...and basically I could'nt really think of a good title...Anyways many things have happened through this week that kinda got me thinking about the whole good looks debate..

My pre placement training is just ending up with a great note performing to my level best that’s make me only me my inner satisfaction than any  one else..last few days of mine I have learned the only thing we have concern about it Our self.. and to see any one happy is U..so strange so true .performing very nicely in GD or mock Pi and seminars ..well with a high note  made me confident and dreaming to think about in future.  :)

Last post I have been mentioning and wondering about this pre placement talks ..what will go and be in formals it’s the most Hercules task for me.. The pre placement talk in our collage and seminars blaa blaa  what I been telling was be been attended and companies just started yet  to come  with in 2 months all IT companies top most companies in our country oho and what gives me the feeling of being from outter space, with the loud talk on some gibberish computer language and how my fellow batch mates have figured things out so well in their lives and ofcourse their pompous asses just fart their way through the ramble.. but fact is I’m now confident the way I was feelin the same I’m getting now after this week passed.. I think I can handle it now. To cover up the things which I need to work on.. performance matters in practices I did It hope I will do will in match :)

learnt the hard way through life... life's not milk and roses...i meet a coconut man who was selling coconut or we can naaril pani wala near by my campus well he said one interesting facts about life in his way= life is just like a coconut its hard from outside and inner its very soft so we have find our softness our comfort zone and how to make life to live on happily that’s we have to decide . life's a precarious balance... everythings in transition and ever evolving... relationships emotions people, they all change your opinion your way of fitting in..love friendship relationship blaa blaa . flitting in as well changes... you learn some things just don't deserve such scrutiny, don't deserve so much thought ... they are better off being left alone... and if things are to really stay in the long run, they'd eventually return back in...

Well the wish to be independent is growing by the day. The idea of earning my own money, spending it the way i want to. Having my own pad to myself, doing it up my way. I wouldn't mind coming back to an empty home, cooking up for myself. Working through the night or just crashing. Having my friends over for the night and talking through the night. But all of it from my own hard owned money, no penny passed down to me. Buying a hatch back for myself, sedans or SUVs never worked for me.

Apart from all of the material aspect to being all to myself, I'd like to fend all for myself. Learning to live in a new city, meeting new people who are not even remotely related to my past. I'd want a new beginning starting from scratch. From finding my own accommodation, to locating the local kirana store, to finding a good book store or/and library and a cafe. And I guess I'd not want any men in my life then, at least nobody I could reach out to immediately, I'd want to deal with my own upheavals, my own happiness, cross roads on my own without this instinctive grab for an arm (my hand does have a mind of his own), ask my friends.

Watch the kind of movies I have so long missed out on, go for theatre (probably 'befriend' a cute theatre actor) and classical music concerts. Buy my first dress from my own money. And with my independence I don't want to loose myself either, I don't want to turn fickle. And most importantly have space of my own, a place i can call my own, where the mess and orderliness would all be mine. My space would reflect the way I chose my life to be and the person I was. Have a window with a ledge and no graillings, have shelves and shelves of books and a coffee mug and a low level bed and plants in the balcony especially creepers is what I'd love, A balcony where i could soak in the rain and watch kids play in the evening and reminisce the insouciance of childhood, read poetry by the window. Sigh. So much for my romanticism and so much for my dreams. And my dream city in India would be banglore for sure... I'd love the mystique of the city, the decrepit look it bears but still carrys aristocracy with elan. The beauty in imperfection which it so perfectly embodies.

 Ps : soo  I will be loving this romantic season of tip tip barish and Hope life goes on like this with high note and this rains makes every one life with lot more purity in their approach and thinking till then.. 

try to be all independent and being wake up from all dependent-ed scale. :)

advance HAPPY INDEPENDENCE DAY TO ALL >> being dreaming of  own independance  will not help our nation we should look for our betterment of our country if we are dreaming for india 2020 .hope my fellow being lovable friends will surly make a statement with PM.Sir ManMohan singh ji   this time. hope we are grow up a greater nation for sure  with lots more potential in every fields wether it may be writing or to space technology .. Being Independent and have to use the power wisely..

being an indian kid fan of bollywood masals movies well waitin for EK THA TIGER on independence day:) 

Cya..:)