Just can't find proper title to this post so added this ;)
With nothing to do in the Night
session and I don’t find any sleep trying lamest of tricks..
To be in bed closing my eyes
but unable to feel sleepy to thought be share some stuffs who knows after some days i won't be able post if any busy schedules comes life is uncertain..anyways. hey thanks friends for lot of appreciation in
my last post..
Just want to write some stuff
which were Printing in my dumb skull rite now some of the stories about my
reclusive life dumb low confidence life well every body would have gone through the same phase of life something what we want to do we can't so why we can't are we nervous the stage fear ?okk but for what.. same stories also happened with me :-) and we all knows how to gain it again and be confident with a char mastic smiles :-)
Here We goo..Things have happened in the
last couple of months, which have in a
way made me realise how vocal chord deprived I’ve become…And increasingly so…
I’m realizing how I no longer seek company rather shun away from any kind of
interaction..Probably its not self ostracization as I’m putting it to be..its
just my reticence…I’m really bad conversationalist (do I see somebody smiling…)
especially on the phone, most of my conversations don’t go beyond 10 minutes or
so… Lucky for the person whose calling me…Just once did it get stretched to
half an hour or so…that too when I was talking to this friend of mine on the
sorry state of affairs of the Indian primary education system, reservations et
al… For on my part I never really call people up… and I know most of friends
hold grudges against me for the same... why I don’t call them through phone..my
school friends especially..I know its irksome, but my political correctness or
rather my indifference more than saves me...
To tell you
the truth I think I've just got too used to writing that I've forgotten the
real thing.. and I'm very bad at making myself heard, God Knows how I save
myself during the vivas...its worse when I want to talk on things close to my
heart..but of course nobody is saved any of diatribe when it comes to issues of
respecting women, an egalitarian society being still an illusion, capital
punishment, women enpowerment etc etc..you are getting the flow I guess But
even that was there back in school, I still have'nt found that kind of an
audience in college so to say... ALso one of the major reasons for this kind of
a behaviour is low self confidence. sometimes even self-defloration...what is
the reason behind such a sad case of personality disorder is an incident that
happened in my 8th standard wherein I screwed up my ass while reading the news
headlines for morning session and comments me as if I’m doing commentary and a some Debating competition in my school time. Where
I kept pronouncing a particular word
wrong (true to my oriya roots)...That just kept on adding to the nervous
breakdown I was already anchoring for myself... and then a tick off from my
class teacher and my house lead head boy
of my batch who from that day on never made an effort to make it easy for me to
be part of the class, constantly leaving me out of everything related to Hindi..that
kinda left an indellible imprint on me..my oh god my self confidence was never
the same ever again... It was a downfall like nothing else, from being a decent
enough public speaker in junior school to a loser in senior. people say public
memory is short, but what about my memory??while after schools when I join
university I did recuperate after that,
doing well in academics decent enough in debating ,quizzing got some of appreciation and awarded too speaking to my level best “trying my best “ but
as I said I wasn’t at my 100% my oratory skills were never the same ever again.
And that is why I love my school mates so much, they've stood by me helping me
in getting back my self worth, their constant appreciation..that it was not the
end of the world ..that there was so much more to me... and my teachers who
later came along, especially my principal sir my maths teacher and english teachers kanta mam from childhood ,rita mam, shrabani
ma'am and my computer teacher
niranjan sir ,my games teacher to
our hindi mam from class 3th to my 10th standard .. They've had so much of love
for me and their belief in my potential... God knows where I'd be without
them... I miss them. But I miss one man the way he tells me
the he speaks out and and boast up confidences sometimes I just
get sacred of him with his thundering tone
not only me its my batch most of my mates fav. teacher well he is in RIP now never the less his
memories and his stunned speech sometimes reflects on my ears . great samal sir.!
So anyways
getting on with it... You know I could actually start on of those agony aunt
sessions in the newspapers..even i astound myself at my profoundness... but
that too comes out only when I'm on those chat sessions with my friends.. I
guess after that incident I've never properly recovered my voice..lost that lil
voice inside me too... And ofcourse I suffer from a different kind of dyslexia
so to say, where in I have all those wonderfully intellectual sentences reeling
inside my head but all that comes out is nothing less than puke...Its in the
rarest of rare occasions that i actually sound impressive rather like a pseudo
intellectual..as its been an 2 yrs since actually sound impressive trying to be
confident happy with the recents PPT sessions with mock Pi and talk about of
myself ,group discussion things just started coming in the way now J I have this side to
myself which constantly tries to emulate such an image.. I guess i just want to
sound like a know-it-all...I want to know my international politics (from the
castros to the Mugabes to the Ang Sang Suu kyi), my books (from the motorcycle
diaries to twilight in Delhi..last mughal etc), my movies ( from Humphrey
Bogart to Satyajit ray..to Shyam Benegal to Ingram Bergman) to Indian
economics..not to forget music and history too...but the sad part is I'm no
where near any of this.. infact all of the above is just names dropping...
Ignorance continues to be scandalous...
Well thoda zyada hoo gaya I know I know J..never
the less just had dreams to be as confident
and not be declared as dumbskull..and
doormate to anyone.
And I continue to while away time... when I should be
spending more time reading and talking...balderdashing is more like it... and
things are actually improving, people are coming forward to help my case..the
spirit of altruism still exists...
PS: it’s not such a bad world after all :)
Confidence it’s the simple word what speaks from the eyes of
the people and smile speaks its only required in this world to tackle to
shackle any obstacle’s in life Hope God provides us such confidences
in any adverse situation of our life ki Nai friends sahi hai na ..and All we ppl’s have our nervous time but we have it
come up and battle this world..WE All
have that in ourselves just we have to see it :-)
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