life ...unpredictable and fickle as ever.!!

statutory warning: this makes for a realy really long read.. so get your coffee.. read it only if you dont know how to waste away your time... and have only my poor inconsequential life to feed on.. which i so lovingly dish out. and you so hungrily lap up...

 

Where do I start?? My moods screwed definetly  Well I’m back with my most soo common scewed up mood  and in murdering mood rite now.. soo unpleased soo frustrated soo annoyed soo sad soo pissed off ,life was blissful till yesterday.. fact is that I was happy enough ,suddenly my Somewhere down the line.. being the 'nobody loser' has become the bottom line of my life... I mean, I fail to see the silver lines in the 'sundriness' of my luck... and my God-forsaken life... … Don’t know what to make of it, is this how it was to turn out… frankly I had never asked for the write up thing to happen… but when it did, it blows up on my face… what for?? I don’t Know… where is the silver lining… where is the cloud… humph… such is life… they say… is it wrong to hope?? Wrong to have expectations??

But then again I bounce back, coz life leaves you with no other option but to trudge along even if it means that your sole wears out in the long run up to the coveted life that we all dream off... Such is life

This life is really mysterious .twist .with whom u feel goo great feeling well they only makes us in terrible unhappy situation where heart says. .something, mind says something and mouth speaks something.

Sometimes you do wish to become oblivious to certain things of your life, pull the blinds to certain aspects but you cling on to what hurts you the most... the sadist and the cynic laugh out loud... things go bad once and you start picking on old wounds again, forgetting that you'l still carry the scar... and everything bleeds and singes... I do at times forget all that holds me down in my life, and prepare to fly only to remember that I need the earth too... Probably right now I sound all mixed up and dont make sense... but that is how muddled up i am... A precarious case of nerves, who lives on the extremes and still looks for ambivalence... 

“Thing is that i like that person soo much” .. still no matter what this feeling prevails me Possessiveness comes when there is fear Of losing A loved One, not Because they don't trust U, but because they cant imagine A life without that person. here come two thing being in possessiveness and trusting person how can I elaborate how much I do but whenever we goes in this discussion about love life and debate   friendship past relations aah  blaa blaa ..cold wars starts and situation quite tensed to handle out of hands..to keep in control.. emotion flows oh yes emotions flows.  As my line says “Sometimes The depth of Human Emotions Overshadows The Mind in Control, A maze of Emotions Encloses My Thoughts; My Very Soul,Only leaving a breathless Motion,The decision to Only Move On 

..” believing to your's thinking ability and making sure u must succeed with that person. i mean her..if feeling is true go for it without asking anything . damn this . what to do this possessiveness well alwz be dere with a man.how olds he becomes where jealousy is being with girls why not this with boys. .i wish thing comes to normal and life goes to rewind button for me  and play from where it ends ,

Ps :Hoping my soliloquy turns out be to an interesting read in the next post..thanks for  reading out my sorry for the hiatus... torturing   English .. .. this post is really horrible one I know !!

wid alredy strains of bengali genes runnin in our oriya blood...also karnad..nxt probably wil be gujju, punjabi... all said its gonna be fun...watchin the communication gap....."shabdon me kyaa hai, bhawanaon ko samjho"....

 But life will be life... unpredictable and fickle as ever... and we'd be just caught adjusting to the vicissitudes …well i’m becoming more matured day by day.. I feel. Yeh zindgayi bhi kitni ajeeb hai kavi hasati hai kavi kavi ummm Aankho mein Aansoo lati hai..per yeh zindgayi bhi kitni ajeeb hai. Whom u likes no matter what u will like it after some much of everything anything that doesn’t matter kyunki yaaro pyaar Andha hota hai love is blind u know..

Uff  yeh jealousy trust and possessiveness all in same route leads to traffic jam and rite now in discomfort zone. Hopefully I will find out other route to be comfort zone.:)

Mojood Thi Udaasi..... Abhi Pechli Raat Ki.

Behla Tha Dill Zara Sa Ky Phir Raat Ho Gai.

GOOd Night :)

 
till then cya.:)

The reprieve...well that i'm been lookin for quite sometime now..:)

reprieve..well that is what I have been looking for quite sometime now... A break from the life that I am leading... Probably things ain't that bad, or but you know what they aretill you see them on your face like some really disgusting face pack... Wish i could write a bit of poetry... but if wishes were horses, I'd be the stable owner... everything eludes me... marks, love, luck, poetry, good sense blah blah... the ability to talk utter shit alll the time, to sound witty, to sound profound... god damn everything... hmmmmm... 

Just managed 4 hours of sleep last night... and now i have a splitting head ache... have'nt studied the whole day... morning 6, i get up to study something ... 7:40, I'm plonking off on my bed...sleeping till 8:30 getting up only to do a pending assignment... and then I'm caught smiling to myself.... and by the afternoon swearing, at my vestigial, good-for-nothing tongue (I hope you get flow..is it laminar or turbulent) ohh man, I am TIRED.... TIred of my life, I am so looking forward to my surveying trip of summer vacation.. I really want to fare well in this semester... but the way my nerves seem to be working God knows... ANd even dad seems to have noticed my constant crankiness and my disgruntlement with everything around me... PUHLZZ bear with me... its all a passing phase and I hope to get out of it.... real soon... grab a good book..read alot of poetry...have alot of time to myself... wallow in grief happiness whatever...endless introspections, retrospections.... meanderings, broodings... i look forward to it all.... life for now sucks like hell.... I screw it up like always, who lends me the screwdriver.... somebody keep it out off reach... plz...for now ciao

ahhh so well, the feeling of being mediore just seems to be resounding back again and again.. The pre placement talk in our collage and seminar been attended with in 2 weeks all IT companies top most companies in our country oho gives me the feeling of being from outter space, with the loud talk on some gibberish computer language and how my fellow batchmates have figured things out so well in their lives and ofcourse their pompous asses just fart their way through the ramble.

Apart from all of the material aspect to being all to myself, I'd like to fend all for myself. Learning to live in a new city, meeting new people who are not even remotely related to my past. I'd want a new beginning starting from scratch. From finding my own accommodation, to locating the local kirana store, to finding a good book store or/and library and a cafe. and internet to know some updates.. And I guess I'd not want any men in my life then, at least nobody I could reach out to immediately, I'd want to deal with my own upheavals, my own happiness, cross roads on my own without this instinctive grab for an arm (my hand does have a mind of his own), ask my friends.

So lets come to reality now..well Life has not been smooth for me. will that what life it is for every one.and its  all about I have one chance to repay back my last sem hopeless performance is to perform in this sem..will this will make me some relief & I’m desperate time to perform..its high time now. Not taking stress not taking pain and not taking some much of negative from this sem.. I need to work hard simplest thing I can do than to think about my future..!

i sign out now, if there is some spellin.mistakes.just . manage it guys cheers :)

ps: just trying to figure out what next turn my life takes till then enjoyin my 2 days bed rest as sufferin from knee injury.. and viral :)hope i vl get well soon:)

Such a life ..-my last few weeks.!

i know this post is very lengthy well i'm not in best of my mood soo expressed it very descriptively.. if anyone is reading this please sit back and relax with a coffee and enjoy and have time pass.:)

 One month and the transition has been phenomenal... Even I cant believe myself... I've taken some of the most matured decisions of my life without being carried away... probably the maturity has not come in th lifes been blissful since the last month.. and I can never thank God enough... I used to always undermine myself... oh I'm the only one leading the dullest and drabbiest of lives... frankly I've just been given too much on my platter in such a short period... Found a great friend in the last month... e form of decisions so to say, but in the manner of change of perspectives and ideologies

2nd year: uneventful year... a year when i found friends... but yet turned into a recluse... kinda avoided company... it was a rather indifferent year...

3rd year: the year I'd always remember...So life's taught me alot come third year... I saw people who I thought were 'friends' going away... And I don't regret their going away... it was for them I found what i did... Saw my ex crush become one of the closest of friends I have right now in my life... and some stranger’s becoming the real part of   life more than my best of friends.. well she special ;) And I am so happy to see his life finally turned out well... like they say there's always light at the end of the tunnel... I guess my third year was all about friends... they did so much of the talking and made me do so  much of it...:) a year that has taught me so much... TERI, eatopia, Tears, farewells, geology, loner, City 
Limits, adviata, rishikesh, sepia, greys, black and whites, bear hugs, fights, crying, laughs, walks, philomaths, "Agneepath", juice, , rush ins, gush ins, chotta recharge, gol gappas, fests, Holi, pinks, blues, greys, PD, PDAs ... SACHIN -HUNDREDTH HUNDRED  such was life..guess what finally I have  been blamed. by good friends. which I havn’t expected ..well shit happens.. I don’t care about that..anyways.being blamed made me more honest and stronger  I got to learn something its all about experience  one thing made me realize is what happening now in life that’s happens for something good something productive..  . probably looking back life couldn't have been any better... a year when i finally felt lucky... and guess my 3^rd yr its not been finished yet” picture abhi baki.”. finally more 1 months left for my end sem to over. And that will be my end of eventful full of mystery and  tremendous  year…and lastly able to learn how to cut up expectation and enjoy the surprises more the expectation more pain.. soo making expectation low it really life ..thanks god :)

ANd now beckons a year where i seriously hope my luckiness streak continues... and i cut down on my sentimentalism... sigh... hols have started.. and hoping i make the most of it... just need a break for now... probably a week away into the wilderness... away from people i know... so that piece things together and make new beginnings.. well part left is left I don’t care about those people who blames me. The things which I hadn’t done if anyone blames u for a reason then its hurts but it also says one thing if ur true to yourself… then nothing matters .shit happens..its  the.. part of damn life

Well sometimes I fill.. life is strange.. life is a big joke...

Made it through dunnhumby written, only to be eliminated hook line sinker from the case study... i sucked big time... absolutely clueless, with the talk around me.. i was pathetic...and surprisingly i was pretty confident today, unlike my usual nerve wreck self... I was ready to talk shit but not take shit... and shit happened big time...

As the scene unfolded, I realised how stupid i was, was it'd really take time for me become this aggressive, take initiative to talk, the world will not stop for me, to take me in, to hear my voice.. I have to fight for myself... And I found the big fakers, the pretenders... people who act so cool about everything.

Well Life's been pretty normal... I'm cutting down on my belligerent self.. or probably I've calmed down.

Sometimes I just find myself at odds with the promises I make for myself because try as i might I can't be the perfectionist I want to be. I find it really difficult accepting people for their flaws like i was the epitome of everything perfect. *sigh*
ps : Life's been going in a complete haze really... and sadly so.. Just about find time to get my self up and going for the next day...guess what 2morrow is my lab exam..fuck Up :(

I don't want to continue with engineering anymore or rather with the fucked up system of my college where nothing works.. hardwork intelligence are so alein a term in our college.. or probably I've just not tried enough... whatever the case may be... I am just doing it because i chose to associate myself with it 3 years back...and being an Indian kid I cannot drop out of the system..

lastly i just found a quote which i felt to share well this - "Lead such a life, that, when you die, the people may mourn you, and while you are alive they long for your company.” - Imam Ali s.a"

anyways.. i sign out now .. provably i will come out with a better post next time.. cyaa chaaos:)

its birthday time ..Thanks U Buddies :-)

so its my birthday  happy birthday soumya,!! :)

.It was the best birthday i could have asked for thanks to my friends and the hordes of wishes that came my way... long gone are my days as a teenager, not like they were anything to write home about. So yaa  treated my friends with nothing than a very warm thanks a lot than to say anything really birthdays are really special in everyone life it’s the only special day I feel where u get “N”. number of wishes hugging best of luck for good further ahead and blessing from elders and love and affection from friends relatives and families .Thanks to God for giving me nice friends ,family and my well wisher who alwz wishes me.. the most intresting part about birthday is U alwz expect and assumes who gona wish u .. I’ keep on guessing and I’m very happy all wished me.. and who ever havn’t also wished me .. wished me belated ,it feels soo great … i feel happy when someone wishes .me. anyways..!! feels nice getting a birthday present from my uncle parents and from my friends..  And guess what Team India gave me the best gift what a match and what a revenge what a win what a entertainment it surly made my day watchin firstly sehwag quick hittin 30 and God-sachin awsum touch it’s a treat to watch and what comes next virat stupendous hitting  smashin 133* oh god and winin in style with more 13 overs to spare and chasin 321 on 36.4 ovr amazing great great batting by india :).woowww   and thanks atonne my fellow bloggers for wishing me... thanks a tonne...and to all everybody else who made STD calls and messages and wished me on orkut and facebook thank u thank u thanks a lot 

life is all about feelings and being happy .soo I’m writing this with all my happy feelings and sharing with u al..! last few days of my life been very good I’m so thank ful to god .thank u . yes I promised u to read for this sem. And to do well in examz and I had realized yaa hard work is everything unless u do hardwork u won’t expect for a good result ,i’m focused  and I will try harder to  do well.. but God please continue this happy days so that I can happily do well in examz  well apart from philosophizing 

and yaa i've been keeping myself busy with other things too.. whether be classes, reading, talking, helping around at home (Ma's so happy) and , assignments etc. just to keep myself from philosophising, well it has helped my case to a certain extent. read up three books.which I borrowed from y friend - 'the JApanese wife' by Kunal Basu, ' one afternoon' by Roma Bansal and 'the zoya factor' by anuja chauhan. One afternoon makes for a really weird read. Japanese wife is kinda melancholic.. with most f the characters in the short stories trying to run away from grief. As to Zoya factor, absolutely loved it... must read for all... you'll love the humour, the cricket, the protagonists, inshort everything about it...  well I desperate to read my favorite writer book  ohooo my nikita singh and durjoy dutta book I will start it after my mid sem over .  “if its not forever its not Love.

• But for now I have to read for my mid sem and do well simple.

·          And

·         Chinmaya .,babloo Chandra. ajay. I will never forget ur wishes bro’s  on my birthday dudes . ha ha,,aah thoda tha reham karte acha gift diya  sallo rukoo aapna aapna birthday aane doo.. mein bhi return dunga the good gifts u gave me rukoo ESPEICALLY babloo ! :-P :-D

·          

·         Ps:that is all that is there for now... hoping i did not kill you of boredom. i sign off..

·          

•  

I have to be postive & patient & persistent !!!

With the Advaita number 'so lost' playing and sreeya ghosal broken promises in the background right now, No other song could better describe my situation right now... the vacuous stare at the screen as I type this post out... with memories, worries, sadness, disillusion all running amok in my head... An abyss opens out to me... Don't know what to feel... Don't know if this is what I'd wanted... whether anythings worth it at all... All that I am striving to achieve... Hoping to have in my life... is it worth the peace of my mind that I am loosing right now... and how much more ironical can my life be... Side by side as I write the profile for my dept for the companies to be coming in for placement in our college... I am the last person to be feeling for my branch at all... Somehow I've never come to make much of my engineering degree at all... I study for merely perfunctory reasons and I guess my marks are a reflection of the same.. yup dismal performance is so conspicuous by its presence... Or probably my brains been reduced to a sieve which fails me every time... so much for my hubris... makes me laugh at myself... From the sepia tinged memories of pride to the grime reality of being an absolute nobody... whose so bloody incapable of anything... And the person I'd hoped to hear me out, stand by me appears so far away... So distant... Irony hits you hard you realise... Accepting my inadequacies is becoming a herculean task... adjusting my dreams to their limitations, breaks me... Why is this happening to me? Where did I go so horribly wrong? where is the silver lining? The emptiness engulfs me... when is this this below average existence end? Have I run after all the wrong things in my life? Have I forgotten myself, forgotten valueing myself? Why am I looking for excuses... When will I rise above this all... will I ever?? Its a long road ahead... And I hope the blurry vision will eventually clear out... I hope the blues will fade out to a xanthous sky... I hope to see my nescience finally becoming a thing of the past... and I finally achieving what I truely deserve... I wait... I wait for love.. I wait for happiness... I wait for freedom...

so finally my god forsaken exams result are out... I guess I fared just about ok...but not ok. As I had kept my expectation low thatway I hadn’t had much pain or shock after hearing great news.. And i guess I'd let my results do the talking whenever they come in.oho oki leave it now... Life's been decent enough.before this result came out...my eventful and beautiful third year will be comin  to an end..after this sem.. A heart warming year... A year of many first's... And i hope life continues on this note... But sometimes life puts me in such quandaries... my inability to tell things to people on their face to avoid uncomfortable situations gets to me... for once i want to be real honest with people and tell them this is what I don't like in them... I don't like them commenting on my life, on the way I was, on the way I look... On how I work... I hate it when people pick on raw wounds, pick on my ego, pick on things way too personal for me... I don't like it... Probably you people don't intend to hurt me but somewhere down it pinches me... Some things don't go down well with me... They just don't so spare me... :)

ahhh so well, the feeling of being mediore just seems to be resounding back again and again.. The pre placement talk gives me the feeling of being from outter space, with the loud talk on some gibberish computer language and how my fellow batchmates have figured things out so well in their lives and ofcourse their pompous asses just fart their way through the ramble.

Apart from all of the material aspect to being all to myself, I'd like to fend all for myself. Learning to live in a new city, meeting new people who are not even remotely related to my past. I'd want a new beginning starting from scratch. From finding my own accommodation, to locating the local kirana store, to finding a good book store or/and library and a cafe. And I guess I'd not want any men in my life then, at least nobody I could reach out to immediately, I'd want to deal with my own upheavals, my own happiness, cross roads on my own without this instinctive grab for an arm (my hand does have a mind of his own), ask my friends.

So lets come to reality now..well Life has not been smooth for me. will that what life it is for every one.and its  all about I have one chance to repay back my last sem hopeless performance is to perform in this sem..will this will make me some relief & I’m desperate time to perform..its high time now. Not taking stress not taking pain and not taking some much of negative from this sem.. I need to work hard simplest thing I can do than to think about my future..!

Ps: stop thinkin much about this shit shut up and start doing work out.. work harder  learn from the mistake .that what I have to do..& without copying anyone..i have to bother about my life and what I want to do than to follow certain person..anyways I hope I come out strong and mostly be positive to perform be < optimistic > .!!

Till then ta ta..Cyaa..

Agneepath verdict ..:)

Sooo last  night had good sleep but in the end had a short nap as I wake up this morning  very early according  to  mine..Sunday’s regular get up timing table . actually had gone to bed late almost 4am of nite as like another night lying awake, asking to myself..dear sleep where r u? can i see u tonight huh?Asking  like an idiot to myself..but awaken at the most unearthly hours of the night..its a real super class experience I tell u guys its gud time becaz its so relaxing hour so calm midnite time is real meant for a sound sleeps or to pass your time in some important work..if we use that time in morely in consumptive way then stayin awaken is is worth majesties experience   as I was feelin bore soo thought to write something as  my last post yesterday only I posted..and just tryied to read some of the lesson of my computer network subj. as to  pass that boringness being alone.. and to make me feel good as I’m using this time in Morley in a  wise way as this a formality reading at  waking up at the most unearthly hours of the night... and opening my vocab funda book only to open it just to make me fill relax atleast I’m doing some effort for this sem ..that will built of confidence in more upcoming unearthly hours of the night J

 Soo coming to today its was Sunday  a beautiful day again..cool morning sun is shining and gentle breeze..typical morning at his best again.what I really about morning...so I was up and had nice cup coffee for me..then after an hour planned how to spend my Sunday soo thought of to goo some movies or anywhere just to have chillout and to pass this Sunday…finally made up my mind to have a movie either in matinee show or evenin show…

Its AGNIPATH..as in my last post I had mentioned about I’m looking to this high class hard hitting  ,dwells on strong emotions and aggressive and forceful action as I was a fan of that of that “vijay chachan” iconic character portrayed by sri.Amitabh Bachchan two decades ago.

Which is still fresh in everyone mind..for his tedious acting skill he also received National award for that charcter also..soo I was quit excited how Hrithik Roshan's turn to wear the mask of that iconic character …as I’m movieholic person soo..gone to cinema hall with lots of exceptation and with more excitement..guess what I’m not disappointed this time !!:)

Oohoooo from the beginning to end and after being out of cinema hall also  I was in a state of shock..How beautifully hritik acted it was mindblowing stuff.. He does not emulate the veteran's portrayal of Vijay Dinanath Chauhan. Instead, he approaches the character in his own distinctive mode. Wow HIGH FIVE for  hirtik J

'Agneepath' is an uncomplicated story of revenge, is hard-hitting yet I found its such more entertaining, dwells on strong emotions and aggressive and forceful action, and yet is dissimilar from the original. The most popular dialogues of all time in bollywood.. yet again I able to see by this time from a new vijay J

"Naam Vijay Chauhan, baap ka naam Dinanath Chauhan, gaon Mandwa."

Ooohoo The action scenes are sure to draw my whistles and claps especially the one in the finale he was taking his revenge  kaachaa sanju baba surly lukin like a evil actually this negative roll  suits him…yet truly a maestros performance by this veteran star after munna bhai series..this can be yet another defining moment for his carrer…

Agneepath its a classic and a must watch... The adaptation of modern day milieu into an old iconic story has been beautifully rendered... the music just adds to the beauty... each song is so different from the other...as according to story line its all suits …mostly I loved the background music and the entry of Kanchaa sanju baba..hmmm I was kinda toying with the idea of singing “chickni chamali” song for my fest this time... But i know the chicken would get the better of me... so much for my dreams...;) 

I am so hoping the languor continues cheers..:)

January goin to end.. hopefully everyone should had a gud month as its just de starter beginning of new year 2012 and lots to come..hope everyone should had a good month ..

Wishing this coming feburary will also  brings lots of peace and happiness in each and everyone life and all get success and me too cheers..

Once again Wishing everybody a Very Happy Valentines!! :)

Ps: need to go get to studying real soon… and to be more practical and do my work in time and complete my lesson’s and then enjoy my life as they've been the most beautiful days of my life the last three days... the usually ephemeral state of affairs in my life..hopefully this happiness carryon and at the same time I should give more attention’s towards my studies and work really hard for this sem..!cya :)

Happy valentine day to all :)

So was a beautiful day... The sun's all bright and shiny and warm... Just the way I love it... Had ma's wonderful upma and sambar...in mornin breakfast..!

Have today's newspaper to sieve through and most importantly the edit and the Leo predictions... Its a different thing I forget all the sooth saying the minute after I've read it... According to the predictions I was to happy a beautifully romantic year ahead...and this february Where I'll meet my soul mate... what a crap?

 

will you be my valentine?

                                                              

you'd always be the one for me...<3

When its a lonely valentine that I am looking forward to... 3 hours of labs 2 hours of lecture 2 hour of coaching and then back home... life is so strangely mundane and predictive...

Probably my coachin teacher might just brighten up my mood... Haha Mr Sunshine's all gone...and here comes the Bard himself... He's the best teacher I've come across in a really long time...  His sense of humour, the style of teaching, the generous dose of one liners... his sing song way of talking and explaining prepositions... Its like seeing art at work... I could go ga ga goo goo over him... But strangely micey's conclusion from all of it is "our teacher's in love"... 

 

The whole world seems to be in love except me... I don't know what is to be like in love... I have seen such extremes... Don't know what it takes to be in love? Love in itself is too strong a word... For me to say I love a certain person would be too big a thing to declare... hate for the same reason is too strong an emotion... and sometimes you imagine a lot of these emotions... You believe you love him/her... but sometimes the whole gravity of the situation pulls you down and gives you a rude reality check... and sometimes love becomes as perfunctory as brushing your teeth... I know for some its a ritual brushing teeth that is... my sis spends a good half an hour giving her pearly whites a foam bath... If she had her way she would have had a jacuzzi fitted in... 

 

So coming back to the love thing... I have always been "the forever the good friend never the girl friend" types... And sometimes although it is gratifying it does get frustrating... I mean people come and bitch about their gf about how she wasn't there when he really needed her and all that crap... and shirk away from the girl who was always there...it does kinda get to you... But then you realise if a person could not connect with you then he could never possibly have... you forge ever lasting relationships during the trying times... if you don't bond then you never will... Anyway probably all of this used to make a difference to me now it doesn't... The person on the other end should also be worth it all?? I am happy I wrenched him out of life... Its like removing a vestigial organ... (Chetan Bhagat inspired philosophy)... But life's come full circle... I stand at crossroads again... And hoping I will take the right decisions... I don't want any of the love crap... I was once upon a time a true blue romantic not anymore... Life's given me enough reasons to stir clear of it all...

soo before the starts of  feb month..before the starts of valentines week ..wishin all very happy committed couples young folks and troops..&

Wishing everybody a Very Happy Valentines!! :)

in advance kya pata "Kal hoo na hoo " :)

 

ps: looking forward to work hard for this semester.

pps:looking forward to Agnipath -movie  startin with superhero hritik ,indian KANE -sanju baba, jungli bili-priyanka..;)and ofcourse chikini chamali -KAT ;)

ppps: need to go get to studying real soon... And I seem to be waking up at the most unearthly hours of the night... and opening my vocab funda book only to open it and crash again... but i need to get down to studying before its too late...